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| ©ElizabethMarieKauffman |
Sometimes I sit and I look out the window of my parents house, at the same scenery that I've stared at for the past five years, and I wonder where I'm going in life.
Like, honestly? Where am I headed?
Over a year ago I received my college diploma and left my intense, accelerated studies with the belief that I had everything that I needed to face the world and live out my dreams.
Yeah... I lost that real quick!
Now, I'm back living at my parents house, looking to get a job cleaning offices–or something part time like that–trying my hand at the seemingly impossible task of getting my name out as an author, and auditioning for plays with the same theater groups that I did stuff with in high school....
If that doesn't say "two steps back" I don't know what does.
I'm doing stuff. I'm keeping busy and learning. I'm steadily working on my books and I'm getting gigs art directing/acting/etc, and working to get more. But for someone who longs to do BIG things, who aches to travel and check more things off her bucket list, it can be kind of painful to look out at the horizon and not see how the future that she had always dreamed of could possibly pan out.
I mean, come on, I'm the sort of girl who always dreamed about time travel and fantasy adventures (once, while sitting on my swing set, I even saved Robin Hood from an untimely death). I have always imagined life as this grand quest with heaven as my object. And somewhere along that treacherous path I would meet a dashing knight who had been sent on the same quest as me and we would become partners on the journey, supporting one another and always having the other's back, until death did us part.... Even then, we would be back in one another's arms once we got past Heaven's pearly gates, and would worship God for all eternity.
The point is, I always dreamed that I could and would be a brave warrior, a swordmaiden, in a battle. I would be that hero who people told stories about long after I was dead... you know, like Deborah, or David, or Daniel in the Bible.
But reality is finally threatening my childhood dreams....
I wonder if I am just a selfish brat, desiring to be a hero like those spoken of in legends.
I'm not a warrior. I haven't been trained in combat and I want to cry every time I see an animal dead on the side of the road.
I am not a philosopher or a politician or someone who can win every debate; although I can write, and memorize a script, my brain freezes up when I get put on the spot.
This brings me to the one thing that I can say with confidence that I am made to do.
I am a writer. 100%. My passion is words and stories.
My steel is in the shape of a pen.
My arrow is the point of my written words.
I am happy when I'm writing.
It has always felt right.
So why can't I be content with the life of a writer?
Why do I strain for more?
For something greater?
How many people in all of history have made the legends and how many have remained in the background?
Who can say which is better?
Someone had to pen those legends.
Someone had to encourage those heroes through friendship and letters of recognition and inspiration.
I can do that.
With God I can take each day step by step, letting Him guide me to the people that need a smile and a friend at that moment, and I can write stories that will encourage the next heroes to take a stand for justice and righteousness.
And yet I continue to dream of racing ahead, sword in hand, shouting words of courage to the other soldiers with me, or of serving as a secret agent behind the enemy's lines to recover secrets that will help win the battle. I dream of facing the leaders of our culture and reaching out to their hearts to open their eyes to Christ's truths.
This is why I am not content.
I am on a journey, yes.
A hero's journey? ...Only God knows that.
Right now all I can see is one long stretch of road reaching out as far in front of me as I can see. Are there any unexpected dips? Any turn-offs along the way?
I can't see any, but that doesn't mean that they aren't there.
All I know is that–as a soldier–I have received my orders to forever continue seeking to draw closer to God and to better hear His voice.
That is something that I can do right now, even though the path ahead is uncertain.
And with this mission, I can move ahead with each day.
No matter how much I feel like I am moving away from the place that I think I should be headed.
No matter how much my heart aches.
No matter how confusing life tends to be.
I have been given my orders
and now I simply wait to be told what my next mission is.
Assr vísa ykkarr brand.
(May God guide your sword)
ElizabethMarieKauffman
3 comments:
You are a hero on a hero's journey! Every writer, every encourager, and every one of God's children is a hero. We may not all be destined to carry real swords and wear real armor, but that doesn't mean we aren't heroes to someone. I think that you might be a hero to someone and not even know it yet. Trust God's voice and guidance. :)
If I may be so bold...
You are looking forward, and I am looking back. Surely, I have many more days to walk beside my wife, the lady I had to go halfway around the world to find. I didn't go to Arabia looking for my wife - but God led me there to find her nonetheless.
Still, none of us are guaranteed tomorrow, but I pray you have endless tomorrows to follow your dreams. As a more mature "dreamer," I would not seek to deter you from following yours, but I would encourage you to always listen to His voice, above all.
The heroes you mention did not start out to be heroes. And what about Moses? He ran from his entire life, and found a new, humble one. But God had other plans.Abraham had the knife in his hand, the tip, like a dragon's fang, hovering above his son's breast; but God had other plans.
Will you be Esther, a beautiful and wise queen, or Abigail, a smart and steadfast partner? Will you be Mary and give birth to a son destined for greatness, or Hannah, and dedicate your son or daughter to a life in God's service?
Don't stop dreaming; don't stop praying; don't stop yearning.
If I had one piece of advice to give - and I doubt I even have the right to give it - it would be: don't worry too hard about the bucket list. I bet Moses didn't have, "Part the Red Sea" on his. Did Phillip have, "Go stand in the desert until an Ethiopian rides by," on his? I'm thinking that Lot's wife, right before she was turned to a pillar of salt, had a moment when her heart shouted, "No, wait!"
Peter wept bitterly after denying Jesus, yet he became one of the greatest men in History.
Leaving the Bible for a moment and turning to my most favorite literary work, I would quote Frodo Baggins speaking of his Uncle Bilbo:
"He often used to say there was only one Road; that it was like a great river: its springs were at every doorstep and every path was its tributary. 'It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door,' he used to say. 'You step into the Road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there is no telling where you might be swept off to.'"
Keep your feet Elizabeth, and keep your eye, and your heart, on Jesus. With those in mind, I don't think you will go far wrong.
Blessings,
X
I understand where you are coming from. I remember being young and having dreams and finding that reality is often different than my dreams. God's plans for us are not always our plans, and His timing is definitely NOT our timing, but don't give up on your dreams -- just cling to God and follow where He leads and you will find that you will be blessed even if He doesn't grant you all of your dreams. And, He may grant most of your wishes, in His time.
I stopped by to visit because you became a follower of mine on Twitter, and according to your photo, you are an adorable young lady. I encourage you to keep writing as you wait upon God's leading because you can live many of your dreams through the characters in your stories. I will be visiting your writer's blog as well.
I, too, have a writer's blog at: www.kellyfbarr.com I hope you might find time to visit there and find something of use. God bless you.
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