Where I Am Not Right Now

Yesterday was a good day.

My morning started like any other work day.... Out of the house at 8:20am to be down the street and clocking in at Goodwill by 8:30 at the latest. To follow the path that my past short spurts of being your typical, American employed person have taken since getting hired here I have rapidly moved out of the honeymoon stage of any job and have made an impressively quick slide into levels of contempt for my job. 

But yesterday morning turned out to be the lowest I have gotten yet.

What started out as a typical day turned into "just one of those days"...

First I thought I lost my keycard when really I was wearing it the whole time.

Next, I had been scheduled to work on a time that I had said long before hand that I wouldn't be able to, so there was a hassle to try and deal with that.

However, I could have dealt with any of these little problems just fine if it weren't for the biggest issue of all... the thing that keeps returning to my mind every little bit as a repetitive, nagging ache:

What in the world was I doing here?

Sure, Goodwill does nice things for the community and is very helpful in supplying jobs for those in need. (As the tagline goes that I hear and/or say constantly throughout the week, "Thank you for changing lives through the power of work!")

Sure, it provides products at a reasonable price to people who can't purchase the same item elsewhere.

But me? I stand in the back room all day with my arms elbow deep in disgusting, often foul smelling clothes that I have to sort through to get to the good stuff we can sell.

I do nothing but sort and hang, and sort and hang, and help to unload and load the truck when it arrives so that I have more textile to sort and hang, and sort and hang... and on and on and on it goes while I watch the clock tick through my 8 hour shift.

That is what kills me.

That I feel like I am wasting the majority of my day doing nothing that any other person in this town couldn't do.

For a girl who longs and dreams to do big things one day,

who's goal is to be a novelist, mentor, and adventurer;

this is torture pure and simple.

And as I stood there sorting an impossible amount of clothing, 

listening to the especially bitter drama and gossip going on among my coworkers,

and being told I needed to turn out more racks than any of us hangers knew to be possible with the products we were dealing with,

I reached a particularly low and despairing place.

I looked ahead at the next year of my life before I will be able to begin pursuing a second degree, and saw only sorting and hanging while I lived for my days off.

I just know that if I were of a more impetuous nature

I would have quit my job yesterday.

But then God, in His ever-patient, ever-merciful way intervened.

As I was driving home for lunch a song came on the radio that I had heard many times before and had loved right from the start. But this time the words of that song reached a whole new level in my heart as God used them to tell me something....

The song was "Where I Am Right Now" by Jared Anderson

and here are a few of the lyrics:

God, Your plan is the best

But my heart is a mess

I'm wondering why you have me here

I'm so ready to be moving on

In my head I'm already gone

But Your voice is crystal clear

(chorus)

I am called to be where I am right now

In the middle of the storm but I have no doubt

You are here with me, You are here with me

And I won't give in or second guess

I'm trusting You with every step

Father, You are here with me

Where I am right now, where I am right now, where I am right now (etc.)

God's timing is perfect in every way.

These lyrics shook me from my despair and reminded me that I have not been needlessly placed where I am right now.

God has led me this far, He won't abandon me now.

And you know what?

I remembered that although every ounce within me is straining for the next step in my life, this in between time is not being wasted:

I have been blessed that this job not only covers my bills but is also giving me enough to fund a trip to Ireland next year, as well as hopefully helping towards other trips.

I have found an amazing church and am building a family of wonderful, supporting people within its congregation.

And, most importantly, God is teaching me to hear his voice in ways that I never imagined I would.

I will never stop looking ahead and longing for "tomorrow" when I travel to Ireland and start online studies to hopefully open up doors to jobs that will benefit the things I want to accomplish in life, but for now it is enough to remember that God has me right where He wants me in His plan.

So yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day.

I went back to work after lunch and finished hanging as many racks of textile as a could, ending just a couple racks shy of our "impossible" goal.

Then, when I got home I sewed a couple of pillows that I got the material for a few months back and ended up feeling like I had accomplished something in my few hours off after all.

Assr vísa ykkarr or∂.

(May God guide your words)

Elizabeth Marie Kauffman

A Hero's Journey

©ElizabethMarieKauffman

Sometimes I sit and I look out the window of my parents house, at the same scenery that I've stared at for the past five years, and I wonder where I'm going in life.

Like, honestly? Where am I headed?

Over a year ago I received my college diploma and left my intense, accelerated studies with the belief that I had everything that I needed to face the world and live out my dreams.

Yeah... I lost that real quick!

Now, I'm back living at my parents house, looking to get a job cleaning offices–or something part time like that–trying my hand at the seemingly impossible task of getting my name out as an author, and auditioning for plays with the same theater groups that I did stuff with in high school....

If that doesn't say "two steps back" I don't know what does.

I'm doing stuff. I'm keeping busy and learning. I'm steadily working on my books and I'm getting gigs art directing/acting/etc, and working to get more. But for someone who longs to do BIG things, who aches to travel and check more things off her bucket list, it can be kind of painful to look out at the horizon and not see how the future that she had always dreamed of could possibly pan out.

I mean, come on, I'm the sort of girl who always dreamed about time travel and fantasy adventures (once, while sitting on my swing set, I even saved Robin Hood from an untimely death). I have always imagined life as this grand quest with heaven as my object. And somewhere along that treacherous path I would meet a dashing knight who had been sent on the same quest as me and we would become partners on the journey, supporting one another and always having the other's back, until death did us part.... Even then, we would be back in one another's arms once we got past Heaven's pearly gates, and would worship God for all eternity.

The point is, I always dreamed that I could and would be a brave warrior, a swordmaiden, in a battle. I would be that hero who people told stories about long after I was dead... you know, like Deborah, or David, or Daniel in the Bible.

But reality is finally threatening my childhood dreams....

I wonder if I am just a selfish brat, desiring to be a hero like those spoken of in legends.

I'm not a warrior. I haven't been trained in combat and I want to cry every time I see an animal dead on the side of the road.

I am not a philosopher or a politician or someone who can win every debate; although I can write, and memorize a script, my brain freezes up when I get put on the spot.

This brings me to the one thing that I can say with confidence that I am made to do.

I am a writer. 100%. My passion is words and stories.

My steel is in the shape of a pen.

My arrow is the point of my written words.

I am happy when I'm writing.

It has always felt right.

So why can't I be content with the life of a writer?

Why do I strain for more?

For something greater?

How many people in all of history have made the legends and how many have remained in the background?

Who can say which is better?

Someone had to pen those legends.

Someone had to encourage those heroes through friendship and letters of recognition and inspiration.

I can do that.

With God I can take each day step by step, letting Him guide me to the people that need a smile and a friend at that moment, and I can write stories that will encourage the next heroes to take a stand for justice and righteousness.

And yet I continue to dream of racing ahead, sword in hand, shouting words of courage to the other soldiers with me, or of serving as a secret agent behind the enemy's lines to recover secrets that will help win the battle. I dream of facing the leaders of our culture and reaching out to their hearts to open their eyes to Christ's truths.

This is why I am not content.

I am on a journey, yes.

A hero's journey? ...Only God knows that.

Right now all I can see is one long stretch of road reaching out as far in front of me as I can see. Are there any unexpected dips? Any turn-offs along the way?

I can't see any, but that doesn't mean that they aren't there.

All I know is that–as a soldier–I have received my orders to forever continue seeking to draw closer to God and to better hear His voice.

That is something that I can do right now, even though the path ahead is uncertain.

And with this mission, I can move ahead with each day.

No matter how much I feel like I am moving away from the place that I think I should be headed.

No matter how much my heart aches.

No matter how confusing life tends to be.

I have been given my orders

and now I simply wait to be told what my next mission is.

Assr vísa ykkarr brand.

(May God guide your sword)

ElizabethMarieKauffman

Welcome to Kindle!

Things have gotten pretty exciting around my house over the past few weeks and for good reason too.

Drumroll please!

The Chronicles of the Sword of the Kings, book 1; The Sword of Teneraz is now officially available for KINDLE!

You can make your purchase on Amazon.com,

and please don't forget to help me out by writing a review!

Each review my books receive helps to skyrocket my sales rank on Amazon and provide me with more sales. This means that I can afford to spend more of my time writing stories for all of you.

Aside from publishing through Kindle, I have also updated the cover for TSOT and made some minor content revisions (all improvements). This includes some fancy fixes to the previous map!

So you may want to look into that out as well!

Please go check it out, order a copy,

and keep tuned in for word on where you can purchase book 2; The Wolves of Langoor in the upcoming weeks!

Assr vísa ykkar brand.

(May God guide your sword.)

Elizabeth Marie Kauffman

Don't Look Back Now

Have you ever heard that saying: "Don't look back, that's not where you're going"?

I think that that is one of the saddest sayings in the world....

I was just looking back through a bunch of pictures from over the past year. So often I ask myself why I can't go back to the way that things used to be. When my life was driven by the next homework assignment to be submitted and the next time that I could get together with my best friend for a movie night.

Sometimes, I really miss those days. Oh, how I miss those days!

It is so easy to live a life of reminiscence; a life of regret, remorse, and deep longing to go back to the good old days when you were "carefree and happy."

It is so easy to live life looking ahead at the future; always dreaming about the next thing, always hoping, and living in a fantasy world that will only disappoint and not be everything that you expect.

It is so easy to live life in any tense but the present.

To be sitting at my desk, writing this blogpost, and knowing that right here is where I was meant to be. No where else.

To pull together my history and who it has made me and my dreams and who I wish to become and to knit them both together into a neat little pattern that makes me who I am now.

God is the God of my past; He created me and guided me to this place. He is the God of my future; He holds it in the palm of His hand.

And He is the God of my present; this is where He has me now, He has given me this moment and He asks me what I am going to do with it.

I can throw the present away wishing for better days long gone.

I can pass it by while daydreaming of what is yet to come.

Or, I can hold on to it and make it worth every second, every moment spent.

God has invested this time in me.

He could have chosen someone else.

He could have created someone else.

But He didn't... He chose to invest Himself in my life.

What return can I give back to Him?

Assr vísa ykkarr brand.

(May God guide your sword.)

Elizabeth Marie Kauffman

Some Good Things Really Stink

Seriously, has anyone noticed how bad aloe vera smells? About twice a day I have a battle between what my nose and therefore my gut can handle and how bad the pain and flaking redness on my shoulders actually is. Usually the pain and flaking redness wins and I just suffer through the application and hope that the smell disappears really fast.

I've been posting a lot of my deep, internal thoughts lately, but now I thought that I should update you all a little bit on what I'm doing outside of the emotional and spiritual realm.

Well, so you may have already picked up by now, but I am currently in Nicaragua.

Have been for the last month and a half almost, and I don't leave for another, oh, over a month and a half more.

My job here is to create the content for a website that the ministry REAP Granada is having designed to show their supporters what they have been doing. This includes taking pictures, filming and editing videos, and doing some writing.

My time here has been absolutely incredible so far! God has been teaching me so much in so many ways, I have made some pretty amazing new friends, and my thirst for adventure has been ignited to the max. Not to mention that this has given me a chance to use my photography for something meaningful and important. 

Some of my favorite photography experiences so far have included watching the natural environment of the Pacific Ocean, volcanos, and a rainforest, but also street photography of the buildings, the lives, and the culture here, and (probably the one that I hold dearest) getting to take pictures at a jail. 

I'm a people watcher and storyteller at heart.

Leave me alone in a mall for an hour and I will have the backstory, hopes, dreams, aspirations, and ancestry figured out for the people standing across from me. We pass by so many people on the street, I'm always wondering what lives they hold and what their stories are.

I try to pull this mentality into my photography as well.

You'll have to tell me whether I succeed or not.

In the midst of taking pictures, shadowing the missionaries around, and experiencing the culture of Nicaragua, I have succeeded in scorching both of my shoulders and the tip of my nose during a two hour ride in the back of a truck followed by a walk on the beach to get a bunch of pictures. Although I had thought that I had been smart and put sunscreen on, apparently it wasn't quite enough as the worst sunburn I have had in my entire life can act as proof. Now, despite the awful stench (that reminds me a whole lot of what vomit smells like), aloe vera has become my best friend. The bottle of "Darmacare Gel De Zabila Aloe Vega Gel 100% puro" migrates around my room with me, remaining within arms reach at nearly all times.

I'm going to end this post on these notes:

1. I am having a wonderful time in Nicaragua stretching myself, learning new lessons, and using my talents to bring God glory.

2. Never underestimate the power of the sun and especially, never underestimate the soothing powers that something of seemingly toxic smell may have. "Don't judge at first whiff" if you will. 

Assr vísa ykkar brand.

(May God guide your sword.)

Elizabeth Marie Kauffman

 

The Naked Warrior

A door in Granada, Nicaragua

I've been on this earth twenty years, five months, two weeks, and six days today. That may seem like a long time to some of you, while to most I'm still just starting out. But if there is one thing that I've learned during my twenty years, five months, two weeks, and six days alive, it's how much God desires  for His children to trust fully and completely in Him, to depend solely on Him and on nothing else.

It feels like about every other month I have to relearn that lesson of trust.

Each time takes me one tiny level deeper into knowing who God is and who I am in Him.

And yet within another month I will take a step back from where He wants to take me.

Why do I do this?

It makes no sense, and yet it happens with a faithful routine.

Then God patiently picks me back up when I've lost all hope and turned away from who He is. He squeezes my hand gently to get my attention and ushers me back to the path towards true comprehension and understanding.

You see, He loves us enough to stop, reprimand, and prod us forward.

He isn't content to let us remain in a content, comfortable, simi-happy state. He wants so much more for our lives.

I have come to recognize that each step that I take towards understanding His vision for my life, His vision for all mankind, I have had to give up something within myself.

I must give up comfort and familiarity.

I must give up security.

I must give up my image, what people think of me.

I must give up my dreams, my goals.

My control over situations went clean out of the window.

It's painful to be stripped down to the core of your being, to lose everything that you had built up around you as the armor of your identity.

These are things that you learn as a baby, things that new experiences, changes, traumas, delights, or rewarding situations teach you slowly, steadily.

Like a soldier we wear our identities like a shield. We use our dreams, goals, and control as weapons to fend off the strange, mysterious, and insecure.

We claim that we go into battle for Christ.

But God asks us to strip of our armor. Right there in the middle of the field, He asks us to throw away our weapons and then continue our march into battle.

Our natural response is that He's crazy. He must not really mean what He's asked.

Photo by Scott Kennedy ( http://chirpingmug.com/ )

We may obey, but we also try to get away with as little as we can. We drop one piece of armor, but keep the most important, most vital, pieces. But God pushes gently, and we drop another piece, but we keep our weapons.

But what God desires is for us to willingly, and happily drop both armor and weapons at His first request and then not walk, but run into the battle field.

Do we have so little faith that we cannot believe that He has everything under control, even when we do not?

Do we forget so easily everything that He has done, that we do not remember how He can swoop down and rescue us in a moment's time?

I have spent the past month in a culture where most people do not not share a common language with me. All of my life I have trained myself that I must push myself out of my comfort zone in order to talk more with others, to be bubbly and social, and attempt to be the life of the party. But now I can't. Although I've been trying to learn the language, I am unable to confidently speak much more than the courteous "Hola. Come estes?" "Moi bien, y tú?" "Bien, gracias."

God has brought me to a place where I must learn to find my confidence in something other than how many sentences I feel that I have added to a conversation.

You see, God likes to strip us down to our very core, the base of who we are, and then He reconstructs us. He changes who we think we are into who He knows we are. The past year has been a series of demolitions of myself.

Now He is clearing the ground and readying the foundation to be poured.

I stand defenseless in enemy territory.

I stand defenseless, but not undefended.

Assr vísa ykkarr brand.

(May God guide your sword.)

Elizabeth Marie Kauffman

Sí, I'm Not Your Typical Missionary

I was raised in a missionary household.

My parents were missionaries.

My sister became a missionary and is always heading off to some third world country or other.

I have desired for missions and tried to seek it out in my own life.

Mostly because I thought that it was what I was supposed to do.... Like I wasn't being a good Christian if I didn't go on at least one missions trip.

And yet, for whatever reason, God has always kept the door to foreign missions closed to me.

I came to the conclusion in high school that this was because I wasn't called to that sort of missions work. I was supposed to head to Hollywood instead and reach out to the people there.

Through the end of high school and college I did so with a burning passion in my heart. But now, for the time being, God has closed that door as well....

I left LA with no direction where I was supposed to head.

I prayed and prayed for guidance.

As God has promised, it came, but it came in a way that I had not expected.

It came with a three month trip to a third world country, helping missionaries.

I was excited but a little confused why God would take me to the mission field now, after I had tried without open doors for so many years. But my heart is in a different place this time. I did not seek this trip, God brought it to me. I did not accept it because I thought it was something a "good Christian girl" was supposed to do, I did it because I knew that it was what God wanted me to do.

The more I'm out here, the more I realize that I am not a "missionary" in the most widely accepted definition of the word. If I'm tired at all, or have been swamped with too many people at one time, I can be less than the type of person who draws everyone in and makes them smile. I'm not super talkative, and I usually prefer to spend time with animals than people.

This is just who I am.... Who God made me.

I can push and squeeze myself as much as I want to try and fit into that mold, but I would be neglecting the strengths that God has given me.

For one, I'm a photographer.

I love to inspire people.

I am a storyteller. Whether it be writing, or taking photos, my desire is to tell a story.

This is my mission field.

And so, after watching the missionaries at work here in Nicaragua, and spending an evening in despair that I could not achieve the things that they were, God sat me down and reminded me of what He had once taught me.... That He does not make everyone with the same strengths and gifts.

That is not how the body of Christ works.

He has given me talents that I can and should use for His glory.

Some people are great as missionaries and ministers in foreign countries and people groups.

Some are better prayer warriors.

Some are givers.

Others (like me) are created to perform arts, write stories, and inspire people by showing them truth, goodness, and beauty.

God has brought me to Nicaragua to seek Him, to help the missionaries, and to take photos and write stories that will honor Him, and inspire others to live a life wholly pleasing to Him.

Assr vísa ykkarr brand.

(May God guide your sword)

ElizabethMarieKauffman

My Perspective is Best

An airplane is like a giant, magical time and dimension traveler.... A portal to a different planet other than your own.

It takes us out of our comfort zone and puts us into someone else's life until we get back into the plane and travel back to the safety of the familiar.

While you are on the plane, or waiting in an airport terminal, no outside time exists. It is as if your life before that point was merely a dream, and life after is some phantom emotion that isn't quite within your grasp. 

You can't tell whether you truly exist or not....

You cease to be yourself.

You live in a dream.

You have stepped into the unknown.

Suddenly you bond with your fellow travelers as though you were the last people on the planet.

You don't know their name. Sometimes you don't ever say a word.

And yet you look upon their face as a comrade in your trek,

a friendly soul who shares your portal, and so, perhaps a corner of your life, your heart, your hopes.

One of my favorite things on an airplane is to look around at my fellow travelers

and try to deduce what their story is based upon what I observe.

I will never know if I came to the right conclusion of who they are, but it opens my eyes,

makes me look twice at the people around me.

Not just the people in that airplane, but everyone that I come into contact with.

That raving mad driver?

Did a loved one just die? Did he/she lose their job? Has he/she lost all hope in life?

That snobby waitress?

Has everything been going wrong for her today? Is she perplexed with life and can't seem to find any answers in the midst of amounting trials? 

You have very distinct thoughts that flow through your brain.

You have convictions that stem from your past struggles, triumphs, and pains.

We are so certain that what we feel and believe is the absolute truth and there is no other way.

We turn up our noses at the thought that someone else might have a different take on our favorite Bible verse, one that is equally as good and true as our own.

But I have to wonder what the world would be like if everyone brought together their unique perspectives and fit them together like a puzzle.

If we could do that, would we be able to obtain a so much truer vision of who Christ is?

Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Assr vísa ykkarr brand.

(May God guide your sword)

ElizabethMarieKauffman

2014: The Year Of Exploration

It's a new year....

Somehow there is always the feeling of a fresh start on January 1st.

It's like you have the whole world before you. You can forget all of your mistakes the year before and try again.

... But this year I realize that some things can't be shaken off.

Everything that you experience will always be a part of you, no matter how hard you try to hide them.
Scars to your heart will always smart a little when rediscovered and played with.
2013 brought so many joys to my life. So many delightful adventures and new friends made.
It also brought pain, uncertainty, and more stress than I had ever before felt.

There were moments of laying in the grass, looking up at the stars and everything was right.
Everything was as it should be and I could just feel God right there with me, smiling with me and holding me in His arms. Together we would laugh at some shared secret as I skipped through the woods and hummed a song stuck in my head.

Those moments I will always cherish.

Then there were the other moments....

The moments I wish to forget. And yet, I don't want to forget them. They have matured me, taught me things that will only enhance my writing.

What is life without the hardships? The sudden drops from joy to terror?

I take comfort that through everything I can trust that God is right there... holding me close to His heart. Even when I don't feel Him. When his voice cannot be heard. I revel in the knowledge that even there... in the pits of human emotions, He still stays by my side and guides my steps.
Sometimes all I have to do is stop asking questions and be still.

This last year had so many twists in my journey.

I started out with Hollywood as my goal.

I end
with God as my goal.

I have come to the realization that if I am to be His tool, I must stop making plans for myself.
I dream. I hope.
I pray.
And I let go and trust.

It's a new goal for life. A new way to look at the world.
If you can achieve it, it is a life without stress, anxiety, and despair because in all things, you know that God is in control.
In all things, His hand is at work.

It's how I want to live.

I am still a long ways away from reaching this point.

But as I look ahead to this year, I think I will get some good opportunities to practice.

From taking a missions trip to Nicaragua for three months February through April,
to having no clue what will be happening after June... or even how I will make the money I need to live.

It will be a year of adventure and learning to trust.

A year of writing, and following where God leads.

It will be,
a year to grow.


Assr vísa ykkarr brand.
(May God guide your sword)

Elizabeth Marie Kauffman

On The Road