2014: The Year Of Exploration

It's a new year....

Somehow there is always the feeling of a fresh start on January 1st.

It's like you have the whole world before you. You can forget all of your mistakes the year before and try again.

... But this year I realize that some things can't be shaken off.

Everything that you experience will always be a part of you, no matter how hard you try to hide them.
Scars to your heart will always smart a little when rediscovered and played with.
2013 brought so many joys to my life. So many delightful adventures and new friends made.
It also brought pain, uncertainty, and more stress than I had ever before felt.

There were moments of laying in the grass, looking up at the stars and everything was right.
Everything was as it should be and I could just feel God right there with me, smiling with me and holding me in His arms. Together we would laugh at some shared secret as I skipped through the woods and hummed a song stuck in my head.

Those moments I will always cherish.

Then there were the other moments....

The moments I wish to forget. And yet, I don't want to forget them. They have matured me, taught me things that will only enhance my writing.

What is life without the hardships? The sudden drops from joy to terror?

I take comfort that through everything I can trust that God is right there... holding me close to His heart. Even when I don't feel Him. When his voice cannot be heard. I revel in the knowledge that even there... in the pits of human emotions, He still stays by my side and guides my steps.
Sometimes all I have to do is stop asking questions and be still.

This last year had so many twists in my journey.

I started out with Hollywood as my goal.

I end
with God as my goal.

I have come to the realization that if I am to be His tool, I must stop making plans for myself.
I dream. I hope.
I pray.
And I let go and trust.

It's a new goal for life. A new way to look at the world.
If you can achieve it, it is a life without stress, anxiety, and despair because in all things, you know that God is in control.
In all things, His hand is at work.

It's how I want to live.

I am still a long ways away from reaching this point.

But as I look ahead to this year, I think I will get some good opportunities to practice.

From taking a missions trip to Nicaragua for three months February through April,
to having no clue what will be happening after June... or even how I will make the money I need to live.

It will be a year of adventure and learning to trust.

A year of writing, and following where God leads.

It will be,
a year to grow.


Assr vísa ykkarr brand.
(May God guide your sword)

Elizabeth Marie Kauffman

On The Road

You Can Never Water That Career Plant Too Much! (I said)

There's no way around it. We live in a NOW generation. 

We think that we are entitled to living a life of a certain standard and get angry when the plans we have for our careers don't seem to be happening fast enough, if at all.

I'm a culprit of this mentality just as much as the next person.

I've always been one to jump off of the deep end into anything that I do.

I learned to sew by starting on a full medieval dress.

I learned to play piano by working out the fingering for Disney's Sleeping Beauty "Once Upon a Dream" song and then quickly moved into writing stuff of my own.

I started in the film industry by moving out to LA at the age of nineteen....

Not only that, I started by expecting that the month after my internship I would find a great job as an intern or maybe an art PA on films, television shows, music videos... or maybe I might start on commercials for a short while before those doors opened up.

I have carefully planted the seed of my career and have been watering it faithfully a dozen times a day.

Every time I come back to check on my plant I shake my head with a "tsk, tsk" and dump another can of water over it's poor little, limp head.

But I'm realizing that life doesn't work this way.

I'm only nineteen, folks. Big surprise, I don't have my life all together yet! I'm pretty sure I know the general direction that I'm headed with my career, but the path of getting there takes a whole lot of time, effort, and patience (something of which I am lacking).

I was talking with a new, but great friend and mentor that I have made out here who is also letting me intern part time with her in her art studio and she was giving me advice about making it in the industry (as both she and her husband have done a lot of incredible things in the entertainment and art industries). What she told me was: 

1 - I need more training. I'm competing with people out here who have four or six year degrees. 

People might not look much at your diploma in the film industry, but they sure do look at how much experience you have and what work you've done. 

2 - I'm still really young. Most people aren't going to hire a nineteen year old (even if I am almost twenty).... Big shocker. Really, it kind of was. Although it shouldn't have been. I have this mentality that "well, I'm not like other nineteen year olds who just want to party and won't take their career seriously, so of course they want to hire me!" Problem is, no one else knows this. They just see another nineteen year old youngster (or, shoot, even twenty year old youngster) standing next to the older, more mature, more responsible, more experienced options.

3 - I kind of have this thirst for adventure. Since 1 - I need more experience and 2 - I'm still young, why don't I go have some adventures?? My friend told me all about the months that she spent traveling Europe and staying in hostels. She said that I should do something like that, even if just around the U.S. for lack of money....

Boy, do I love the sound of that!

So what should I do?

Part of me still is like "No! This is my one chance at making a life for myself in the industry!" (turn on the faucet and stick the watering can beneath), "I need to get going with my life! I can't stop now to study more" (carry the watering can out to the flower bed) "or just have an adventure–even if it could spark more creative juices for my writing" (dump the water and watch the plant tremble beneath the overbearing weight).

Like that plant, I am still young and frail. I have always thought of myself as so strong, able to handle hard circumstances. But I'm not. I'm only as strong as the circumstances that I've been through have made me, and to be honest, compared to a lot of people I have lived a very sheltered life.

Yes, God has given me all of the tools that I have needed to keep strong and grounded in Him up to this point. But I feel that the difficulties and trials are about to get exponentially bigger. Maybe it's now that God wants to provide me with the next set of tools that I need to build a firmer foundation in Him.

Lord only knows.

Assr vísa ykkarr brand.

(May God guide your sword.)

Elizabeth Marie Kauffman

My first Vlog in LA

Set Adrift Far From Shore

When I was a little girl–about four, five, six–I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up.

Whenever my older sister exclaimed with deep determination that when she grew up she would be "a missionary and a mommy" I would crinkle up my little girl forehead and ask myself what I wanted to be when I grew up. I could say the same thing, because that was all I really knew, or I could just shrug and turn my childish mind to other "more important things" for the time being.

By the time I reached the age that it started to feel more important that I "know" what I was going to be when I grew up, I knew exactly what that was.... I was going to be a singer/songwriter.

I grew even older and my list grew to include not only being a singer, but also being a horse trainer, a hippo-therapist, a photographer, and on occasions I would get a little crazy and desire to be a runner, a gymnast, or a shepherdess.

Around the end of my elementary years singing dropped off the list and I added being a writer–something that I had always loved doing, but had never thought of myself as.

Middle school brought with it a deep, burning passion for acting and making films.

Everything else fell away.

I still loved horses and working with animals. I still really liked the idea of being a photographer and traveling the world to seek out all sorts of rare animal species to capture on film. But I "knew" my calling, and it was to go work in Hollywood and to write novels on the side for fun.

Since the age of twelve I have been headed in this direction. I have dreamed over and over and over what it would be like when I would finally get a chance to move out to LA and begin work in the industry that I loved and was passionate for.

It would be hard, but God would lead me and would open the right doors as I needed them.

And He has done just that very faithfully!

Fast forward to today.

Here I am...

In LA.

On my internship.

Looking for a job.

...

Trying to figure out where in the world I am headed.

I have two months of an office-type internship.

Then what?

I thought that I knew what I wanted.

I thought I knew exactly what direction I needed to keep my heading in.

Now that I'm out here, I don't know what that heading is. What it should be. I'm not sure that the exact direction that I have been aiming at–become an art director and write on the side–is what is right.

In the picture at the top of this blogpost you can see a ball of clay that I'm holding. I got this from the church that I visited this last Sunday. It was meant as a reminder that "our lives are an art form for us to create," to ask myself "what am I creating with my life?" and that "each day God is inviting us to join Him into making something beautiful out of our lives."

I hold my life–an unformed lump of clay–in my hand, but what am I to make it into? What am I going to shape it into? Will it be beautiful or mediocre?

For the first time in my life since I was four, five, or six, I don't know where I am headed. 

Sure, there's been moments throughout my life when I have doubted and questioned my course, but I always had some sort of direction, or just two options to choose from. This time I don't have the freedom to just wrinkle my brow, shrug my shoulders, and turn to "more important" things for the time being.... Now, I have the whole world of adulthood laid out in front of me like sculpting tools.

What do I grab?

What is the end result that I want?

I hope that next time I write a post I will have the answer that I'm looking for....

Assr vísa ykkarr brand.

(May God guide your sword)

Elizabeth Marie Kauffman

The Thrill and Terror of Flight

I love birds. I love to watch them soar through the sky as if they hadn't a care in the world.

The idea of flying is one that has always fascinated me. I remember when I was younger watching different documentaries on how birds could fly. I loved the study the diagrams of their wings and how the wind moved across their feathers, creating the lift that they needed to rise into the sky. I've even had a number of dreams throughout my growing up years that I, myself, could fly.

Flight (figurative) is great. I love the wind, the rush of adrenaline when I look over the edge of someplace high. I love the freedom, the daring of new things.

... And I hate it. I hate change, the unknown, not being able to see where I'm going. I hate the sensation of falling, the fear of the pain when I hit the ground.

Right now I am standing at that ledge, heart pounding, breath quickened as I stare over the side at the ground below. The space of air between either promises a long fall or a chance to soar even higher. Which will it be?

I have faith that since it was God who brought me to this ledge that I will soon be soaring among the eagles and dancing on the breeze. But still the whispers come, the haunting voice that quotes the percentages of success in the flying business.... 

The excited adrenaline turns cold and freezes your breath, strangling you and clutching its cold fingers around your heart. 

LA will be the first time I have ever lived away from my family.... This internship will be my first time out "in the the real world of film and television." I will be living in a strange city filled with strange people. I will be on my own.

I only have a little bit more packing to do.

Three days until I fly.

In three days I take that leap of faith and plunge from the cliff edge, head back, wings outstretched, trusting that I will soar.

Today I must remind myself to breathe. I must remind myself that God is in control, that this is where He wants me, and He will take care of me.

Assr vísa ykkarr brand.

(May God guide your sword)

Elizabeth Marie Kauffman

Life Changes...

It is one of those mornings when you wake up, take in a deep breath, and can feel an approaching change coursing through your blood....

Internships for this fall are slowly being narrowed down and locked. My resume and cover letter is currently getting ready to head out to a product placement company in L.A.. The search for housing for once I get out to California continues.

Only one week and a few days are left of classes and then my time at Compass will be done.... I will be leaving behind this place that has become my second home, and the group that has become like family will be dispersed.

It makes me sad to think about.... But then I look ahead at all the possibilities that the future might have in store and I can hardly sit still in my chair! In about a month or so I hope to be headed back out to L.A. with only my most precious or necessary possessions stuffed into a suitcase small enough to fit next to a couch that I might be calling home for the duration of my internship.

There are so many unknowns that could terrorize me if I allowed them to. But is it not in the unknown that all of the greatest adventures await??

And I will not be going on this adventure solely on my own.... My God will always be there with me, watching out for me, and guiding my every step. But then I have also been blessed in the last two and a half weeks to gain the companionship of a wonderful young man and an amazing friend. He is also trying for an internship in L.A., but even if we end up in different places I know that I will be able to write, text, or call him whenever he's off work and we can discuss anything that is going on and unwind from the toll that all of these new adjustments will take on each of us.

God is good, and I can't wait to see what new tricks He has up His sleeve for this next year and beyond.

Assr vísa ykkarr brand.

(May God guide your sword)

Elizabeth Marie Kauffman

A Trail of the Pieces of My Heart

"The following night the Lord stood near Paul and said, 'Take courage! As you have testified about me in Jerusalem, so you must also testify in Rome.'"

~ Acts 23:11

I just got back from a five day industry trip to Los Angeles.

I left thinking that it would be a good experience, I could make connections with the people out there, see what it was like, and maybe I might come out for my internship if God opened up the doors for a really good opportunity.

...

From my first step out of the airport I felt like I was sent into a wonderland of possibilities. I felt like a kid going to town for the first time.

I'd always heard about how dirty LA is... about how crazy the people in that city are.... I must say, I agree. It's not a pristine, sparkling city with glass buildings and pretty people all dressed up to walking around the clean sidewalks. There are literally billboards and banners for different movies, TV shows, and stage performances everywhere. The streets are rough, drivers are insane, and, basically, the place looks like a third world country.

First day, after the initial awe, I began to be afraid. The streets were so packed with people... as a young woman I was painfully aware of the way that the men looked at me, more than any other city that I had visited. I got sidled up to by a street dancer, stared down by a man sitting behind me, and all in all, I felt a distinct terror at the idea of living in this place on my own.

But as the days continued and I began to fall into city life, even just the tiniest bit, I began to feel a connection to this city, a drawing deep down inside of me to walk these streets, spend time among these people. I found a sense of belonging that–as a Third Culture Kid, born outside of the United States–I haven't had in a very long time. People didn't look at me like I was out of place. The people that we met with made and held eye contact with me.

This was the first step of falling in love....

Then we visited the studio backlots, and I quickly fell in love with exploring the sound stages and dreaming about what it would be like to work on the art for just one of those many sets. 

A friend discovered a way to get onto the roof of our hotel and so together we would look out over the LA landscape and talk. During these times, as I scanned the horizon with all of it's sparkling lights, billboards, and the large sign and cross for the Church of Scientology, I felt a connection to this large, scary city. There was just something about it that tugged at my heart.

It is in this city that the heart of the film industry beats. It is this city that a lot of the stars and decision makers in the industry return to as a "base."

In that moment I began to realize that it is in this city that I have been called by Christ.

As I stared out of the airplane window and watched LA disappear behind me, I could feel my heart catch in my throat. As we came in to land back home, I just couldn't look at the city the same. Everything is so clean here.... All the streetlights are lit with a welcoming glow, and the buildings are tall and sparkle like someone has just come through with a squeegee and a bucket of water to wash them. Everything is so orderly... it's such a beautiful place to live.

But with my face pressed to the airplane glass, I knew deep down in my heart that I was not called here.

I have left a piece of my heart in LA, and I know that I will return someday to pick it up.

How? I have no clue.... I certainly don't have the money to live in LA right now. When? I don't know that either.... There is still another story class that I would like to take after graduation, and then there's again the matter of raising enough money to live.

All I know is that God has called me to LA. He showed me Acts 23:11 as a final confirmation.

This verse is also a comfort to me. There are so many unknowns, and, honestly, LA is still a really scary city to me... especially since I've never yet lived away from my parents. I have no idea how I could survive even a month there on my own.

But that is when God stands near me and whispers, "Take courage!"

Assr vísa ykkarr brand.

(May God guide your sword.)

ElizabethMarieKauffman

A Breath in the Morning

Ah, Saturday mornings in the Spring... when the sun is shining down warm and soft from a velvet blue sky. It's the kind of morning when you want to be sitting on the porch with a cup of warm coffee in your hands to warm your fingers from the last nip of winter hanging on the breeze.

This kind of morning resinates peace. As I watch the barn cats playing in the flowerbed I am reminded of all of the other times that I've sat outside in the morning. If you ever want to escape from the world for a time, this is the opportunity! Now, when the sun is newly hung in the sky and the birds have just been awaken from their nests into a new day.... It's easy to imagine God smiling down on this world. Does He sigh and repeat to himself, "It is good"? For this moment you can forget about all of the troubles in the world and concentrate solely on the Creator.

And you can ask, "What plans do You have for me, God? What adventures have You laid in store for us to conquer together this next week?"

Assr vísa ykkarr brand.

(May God guide your sword.)

ElizabethMarieKauffman

Another Reason I Love Christmas

I just finished my annual holiday-time read of "Two Tickets to the Christmas Ball" by Donita K. Paul today. It's such a sweet book full of romance, Christmas cheer, and yes, even a touch of fantasy. I simply adore the book which explains why I read it every year over Christmas.

Now that I'm on my Christmas break from school, I have not only found that I have been getting some much needed rest and recuperation time, but I have had a lot of time to finish projects that I have been wanting to do for quite some time (and that besides Christmas presents for family members). It's so refreshing to finish a project that you've started, especially when you started it a long time before hand.

One of my favorite things about this time of year is when I can curl up on the couch in front of a glowing fireplace, with lights, manger scenes, small winter villages and pine cones, candles, and pine bows adorning the mantle, windows, and banister. I love listening to the same Christmas songs that I've heard every year since I was little, and spending time with my family, reading books or watching cheesy Christmas movies far later into the night than is perhaps wise.

It's these little things that make the holidays so special to me and that I love about this time of year so much.

It's so strange to look ahead and wonder where I will be next year, or the year after that. I certainly hope to be back here with my parents and brother, and maybe even my sister if she can make a trip home, but by that time I will be graduated from college, probably will have finished my internship and be out looking for a job in the film industry. . . . Will I be living in a small apartment in LA or some other big movie making city? Or will I be back home, trying to figure out what the next step is that I should take in pursuing my career? Where will this path God is leading me on take me in this upcoming year? As a matter of fact, where will God direct all of our paths?

This thought can be a little terrifying to think about. Right now I would rather stay huddled inside of my fuzzy blanket on the couch at home and stare into the twinkling lights a little longer. I hold my breath as I stare into their magical glow and dream about snow falling down from the Heavens to cover the green grass outside with soft, sparkling white treasure. God has proven faithful to prepare me in every way for each new step that He has given me to date, and I know that He will not fail to continue to do so as long as I follow in His steps and listen patiently for the lessons that He teaches me throughout every single day.

For that I am so thankful. . . . Yet another reason that I love Christmas.

Assr vísa ykkarr brand.

(May God guide your sword.)

ElizabethMarieKauffman